October 19, 2017

          I read a few entries from the journal I made two years ago during our advanced composition class. I remember how I dread those days. I wouldn’t say I hate writing because I secretly believe that’s the only thing I’m good at besides sleeping. LOL. Whenever there was a writing activity, I actually pretended that it was torturing me, but deep inside, I was actually excited.

          There was that one entry in my Journal that contains a letter to myself 20 years from the time I wrote that. Two years had passed, so 18 years to go. That was a good reminder for me to always believe in myself, and that I have to instill in my mind that life is not going to be easy. Most importantly, it reminded me to focus on my goals and dreams. Speaking of, I’ve never been more driven to pursue a life and career abroad. Though it has always been my dream, but only now do I find the courage to actually pursue it. Looking back, living abroad has always been my dream. I never really took it seriously though, but when I was introduced to Hollywood movies, and artists and singers abroad, I began to imagine myself living in America or UK. 

          I took BSN first before I became a teacher – simply because I really want to work abroad. I thought I had my life figured out, then. However, things sometimes don’t work out the way we want it. Nevertheless, it won’t stop me from fulfilling my lifelong dream. I am persistent now more than ever. I can’t imagine myself being in this same institution next year. I’d work hard on my thesis, and graduate so that I can already make a living abroad. If God permits, I hope when I read this entry again, I’ll be reading it while seated on a couch sipping hot chocolate in my Macau apartment. I am still terrified though. I don’t know if I’m ready enough to start again from scratch. I am thrilled, however, to see what my life would become. I’m sure it would really make a huge difference in my life, and I hope that change is for the better.

          I’d be sacrificing a lot with this decision - my job as a permanent Public-School teacher, being with Sean, my family, and my friends.  But you know, sacrifices are sometimes necessary if we really want to achieve our goals in life.

          A lot has been happening with my life lately that it becomes more and more emotionally and mentally agonizing. First, my parents are getting older, and that they need to be attended all the time. We need money just in case something will happen to them. My father who spent his prime years practically doing nothing is now suffering from weak nerves and muscles. My mother who is still a cancer survivor could have her illness back anytime. Then, there are my siblings who add to my miseries. I don’t know, so many misunderstandings. My sister-in-law’s siblings are also an addition to the picture. This may be temporary, but I feel like I want nothing to do with them anymore, that going abroad might give me a breather from the negative vibe that they’re giving me. Honestly, I really feel helpless and useless. They make me feel like that. That’s why I want to earn more, so I could take care of the financial needs of my parents.

          Being in this school is also suffocating me. I am not just happy anymore. I’ve been here since 2014, but my career life is still the same. Although, I am the only one to blame because I never made any initiative to elevate my career, but I feel like I have no opportunities here. I know I can do better than just being an adviser of Grade 7 SPED B. But here, I can’t do anything. I couldn’t hone my potential. I am just a speck, barely noticeable – not noticeable at all actually. I feel sorry for myself. Next year, I don’t want to be just another speck. I have to let go and move on from the things that don’t make me happy anymore.

          I know my life is not really that miserable, but I feel like I AM MISERABLE. If only I could drag the days forward so that I can move on from this life already. I want to start new, and maybe then, will I be happy. I know happiness is a choice, but I couldn’t force myself and change my perspective because working here is really not making me happy anymore. I want to experience something different – perhaps something more fulfilling than making DLL’s and filling-out Forms and Class Cards.

          I’ve already made a two-page long entry today, so I’ll try to make another tomorrow, and continue to vent out and rant about my miserable life.